Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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