I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
