I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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