i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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