I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
