I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
