Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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