don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
