hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
