Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
