Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
