I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Everyone says I win the strip club
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
