I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
