I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
