I'm eating all of the evidence.
thus making me awesome and them whores
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
