I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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