just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
