i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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