all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
