My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
