i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
