He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
