mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
