You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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