you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
