i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
