The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
she peed on how many people?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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