When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
