WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
