I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
