Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
