oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
