Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
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