This is not my ceiling
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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