i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
