Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
