dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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