Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Two words: blizzard sex
Do you remember whose house we're in?
How does it feel to date your dad?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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