sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
