I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
