One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
