i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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