He disabled his match.com account in front of me
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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