I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
