I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
