you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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