I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
