I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Come see our sink grown plant.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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