I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
is wine microwaveable?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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