if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
